Monday, July 20, 2015

My Reality

I think it is finally time i come clean with something i have been dealing with for several years now.  No, it isnt an addiction or anything like that.  Its a little thing called a chemical imbalance;aka Depression.

I promise it isnt contagious so there is no need to run and hide; Although genetically I really wish I could have been able to, Thanks but no thanks Grandma Burnett!!

I generally can manage it fairly well with medicine and sometimes some talk Therapy since sometimes I just need to be reminded that the dumb things I tend to overthink are just that, DUMB and I am as special as anyone else and I deserve to be happy too! It is times like this when Satan starts telling me that because I am 47, single, no children, I am NOTHING! I have to dig deeper and remind myself that this saying is so true and that I CAN DO HARD THINGS!!

I have THE best family! Last week I sent my brothers& sisters a txt and let them know how I was feeling and that I could use their prayers. The replies were nothing short of heaven sent.


A couple of my good friends brought me flowers today and came by and visited. So thankful for friends and family who are ready and willing to do anything for someone in need.

I feel like I am on the mend.  Not quite better but getting there. I'm working on getting back to where I choose to feel this way again:

I want to also add (Thanks to Desirae) I CHOOSE to live a Courageous life!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

And then there was Plureisy

I've had more than my fair share of surgeries in my life time but I think the past two weeks following my neck surgery take the cake on the painfulness scale and it wasnt even surgery related.

It all started with pains in my right chest going to my back which had me at the Instacare on July3rd. After a chest x-ray, blood work and a shot of toradol, i was sent home. Later thazt day they called and told me that because my numbers on the D-Dimer were elevated i needed to go to the ER for a CT scan and they had been notified I was coming. Boo! Dana being the great sister that she is took me over. 4 hours, CT, blood work and lots of waiting later, they didnt see any blood clot and said it was probably JUST Plureisy and gave me some pain meds and sent me home to REST,

They also suggested I go see my family Dr so Monday the 6th, I saw Dr J. He confirmed it was Plureisy and gave me more pain meds and said unfortunately all I could do was rest. Me, the heating pad, recliner and pillow have become very good friends!! I have had lots of family and friends praying for me and received a preisthood blessing which i know has helped me get thru it.

One day Peyton and Syd came in and kept me company.

Fast forward 3 miserable days to Thursday and it has now spread to my left lung. Not sure why everything feels tighter at night but about 10:30pm we (mom and Dana are on our way again to spend another 6 hours in the ER of which 3 were in the waiting room and I was even marked emergent.. I knew I was getting close but with every name that wasnt mine that they called back to a room I would start to cry. Thankfully they finally called mine and the process started again. EKG, IV etc...
finally a very nice Dr Hansen came in saw the tests that had already been done and gave me 2 shots of what he said was considered the strength of man made heroin-still no relief. shot 3 did the trick and I was comfortable enough to go home. Dana got 1 hour of sleep before she was up and off to work for the day.  I can't thank her enough.

Fast forward to Sunday. By evening I felt like death would be a better option at that time since I was in so much pain. I decided to try and take a bath and see if that would help, BIG MISTAKE!!!
It was all I could do to get myself out of the tub, I was crying so hard, couldnt breath and was shaking in pain, Dana was at the door asking if I was ok. Needless to say, once she helped me get dressed (i literally couldnt do it) and my mom was dressed, we were on our way to the ER again.

I must have looked horrible but they got me checked in and sent immediately back to a room. No waiting this time.The nurse was even helping get me undressed. After more blood tests they finally gave me some more Toradol and morphine which took the edge off but didnt take the pain away completely.This time they did another CT and an echo of my heart. ruling out all the possibilities.

About 2:30am Monday (4 hours later)the Dr thought there may be a little something wrong with my heart and ordered me to have a stress test at the heart institute.Oh yay and I still have an acute case of dry Plureisy.

I LOVE my mom!She has been the best caretaker.S he has brought me food, water, kept track of my pills schedule. I am not sure what I would do without her.

 My appointment was Tuesday July 14 (today) She insisted I go in a wheelchair :)  so she pushed me to my appointment. Luckily it was just inside the door.

Right now, I am just waiting on those results but I already know from something I read on my health portal that everything is just fine. Today is also probably the best I have felt in 2 weeks. It hasnt left me and everytime I take a deep breath I have to to stop and think about it but I dont wish I could die anymore.

I must be feeling better because today the YW left for girls camp and I was so jealous of Sharon and Stephanie who are their leaders. Girls camp especially at our stake property is a special place.  It is hard to describe it. That's ok, I am going to be healthy and fit and crash their party if even for one day next year.

Then the depression set in...Tonight I just started crying for no reason. My first thought was oh no, did they give me Percecet (it makes me very emotional) instead of Lortab but then realized I think it is my body expelling some emotion from the past few months. Lord knows my body has had it's share of trauma.

I think in a previous post i jinxed myself by saying July 1st was going to start my new year so im not going to say it and just see what plays out for the rest of 2015. But here is hoping for a much calmer, lighter, HAPPIER me!!!

Thursday, July 2, 2015

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2015 PART 2

I'd be lying if I said the first 6 months of 2015 weren't just a little bit hard (3 surgeries and all) but then I guess it always could be worse. I've decided to make some New Year goals for the rest of 2015:

Goal 1: Read the Book Of Mormon by December 31 2015

Goal 2: Lose 25 pounds by December 31,2015

Goal 3: Be a better saver. Put 15-25 away each pay period that you do not touch!

Goal 4: Be a better person!

Goal 5: Sew more!!

I am excited about all the goals for different reasons but am way ready to get back to #5. I havent really sat down and done much sewing except to sew these blocks together. and I really am itchin to get back at it.

3rd time the charm...or so they say

I just finished my 3rd surgery in 6 months and really wish I could say I felt 100% but then I guess I need to be patient. This  time however, it is with a new surgeon and he is being extra careful to make sure the bone is going to fuse this time. I have had 3 surgeries with Dr. Reischman and he never put me in a hard collar. It's not very fashionable but it does provide stability to my neck.
This new Dr also ordered a bone stimulator to help the bones grow faster. One big draw back besides also being fashionable is that it gives me headaches. He wants me to wear it 4 hours a day but right now I am lucky if I get 45 minutes.  Oh well, I will work up to it.

I am cautiously opptimistic that this is going to work. 

Friday, May 29, 2015

Listen up

The past few weeks I have been going thru some tough times with my neck and the constant pain. I am having it refused on June 16th and can hardly wait.  I am hopeful it will take the pain away or at least reduce it because if not, I am not sure what I will do.

It seems like lately in my darkest times, Heavenly Father sends me signs to let me know I am not alone.  A few weeks ago, one of my sister in laws Leeann put together a family fast.  A couple of times this past couple of weeks I have gotten texts letting me know that my 6 yr old and 3 yr old nieces had prayed for me on their own which brought me to tears. Just when I begin to feel like "why me" and I am done and cant do this anymore, I am reminded of others who have gone thru so much more and remember that I can do this.

I have a very dear friend who posted a podcast on her blog that wasn't even for me but once again came at the perfect time which talked about a song by Hilary Weeks called Let Me Cry. It is a reminder that I am strong and can do hard things.

After June 16th, Here is to an AMAZING 2nd half of 2015!!!!!